I hate people.

After this weekend, I can now say that all of my vehicles have been broken into right in front of or behind my house. In the course of ten years living at one address, I have owned three different cars. All of them at one time or another have been entered by someone that didn't belong inside them.

The first victim was my 1996 Geo Tracker. It had a soft top. Prior to moving to our "nice" neighborhood, it had been violated at least three times. Of course, this was to be expected in a car that had a zipper on the rear window. I learned to never keep anything of value in the car. Once, while at school, I returned to my car to actually see a thief running away with my rear side panels, containing my stereo speakers, in his arms. That car looked like a big time hooptey. I kept it because it was so cute. I got rid of it because the last thief to enter it decided to cut the plastic window and break a portion of the anchoring system to get in. (He got away with a set of Walmart stereo speakers, a big score!) This enraged me. Why didn't he just unzip the rear window like all of the other thieves? I traded up to my Chevy Malibu the night after discovering this crime. I was tired of being a target.

My Chevy (with it's actual roof and real windows) fared better. She was only violated one time, while parked on the street on the side of my house (easily viewable from the living room windows). Coincidentally, I had just loaded up the ashtray with ten dollars in quarters, for meter parking on weekend excursions to the city. I remember being so proud that I was so well prepared. That same night, I forgot to lock the car doors. The next day, those quarters were gone. I blamed myself for my carelessness, vowing to always remember to lock all of the car doors, especially whenever I wasn't parked in my driveway behind my house.

After nine years and only the one theft, I moved up to my new baby, the Honda CRV. She is spoiled. I feel guilty whenever she isn't parked in the driveway, like I'm putting her at risk of injury. I always remember to click the lock button on the key, only feeling safe when I hear the car beeping back to me that she's armed. Somehow, I must have forgotten to do this last Friday night. I came home from my sister's house and parked in my driveway. I can only think that I was in a rush, because I was hungry, wanted to make myself dinner, and still had to let my dogs out to pee. I think I forgot to lock the car. But it was in my driveway, with the ultra bright motion sensing halogen lights of death! Apparently, car thieves don't care about motion sensing lights. Sometime on Friday night, some asshole went into my car, rooted through my glove compartment and console storage unit. They piled everything on my passenger seat: ATM deposit envelopes, tissues, iPhone chargers, Fossil non prescription sunglasses, work ID badge, etc. It was only when driving in the bright sunlight yesterday that I realized what was missing: my prescription sunglasses. So, to the world's most idiotic car thief, I say this: I hope you are as near sighted as I am. Otherwise, those glasses are useless to you. Asshole. I hope you die of swine flu.